Not that I necessarily feel I owe my few devoted followers an explanation for my recent absence, but I do feel writing and sharing will be cathartic for me.
My wonderful friend Rachel summed up my recent problems quite nicely: no one should move so close to winter. Combine moving to a new town, living alone, having to start all over with friends, a new job you’re still unsure of, and no boyfriend with the regular winter blues and you have a recipe for prolonged depression and loneliness. (Allow me to digress for a moment and say that I at no point felt my depression was life-threatening or so serious to seek medical intervention nor do I confuse depression the illness with depression the feeling. I was depressed, I did not have depression.)
I started feeling bad around November and never did anything to fix it. I allowed myself to wallow in my own misery and I was starting to feel like Young Werther. The sadness was doubled when I put my little fiber optic Christmas tree on the bureau used as a linen closet in my tiny little kitchen/dining/living room. It was sad all there alone with no one else to look at it.
The sadness hit its peak and spilled over in a wash of tears when I removed the picture frames that normally sit on the bureau and replaced it with other Christmas decorations. I had Christmas music playing for the first time and was feeling rather festive after spending the day bargain hunting for Christmas decorations. And so the music was blaring, the fiber optic tree was glowing, and I was unwrapping the protective paper from my recent purchases. I removed the non-Christmas items from the bureau and began replacing them with the Christmas items. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas sung by Judy Garland came on Pandora and I stepped back to look at my work. It was so meager and sad. The fiber optic tree surrounded by tiny little decorations set me off. And that’s when the tears started and didn’t stop for nearly three hours. It was intense. I was crying and I didn’t have a solid reason why. I texted my cousin who is always understanding, but didn’t quite know what I was going through. I texted Rachel who, for whatever reason, I knew would understand exactly. And understand she did. And talk to me she did. And help me she did. We narrowed it down to the above mathematical equation and moved on to reminiscing about other things.
Writing and sharing my sad life was the last thing I wanted to do. I knew that it was probably the first thing I should be doing, but I could barely bring myself to wake up every morning let alone write about how I couldn’t wake up. Through talking to Rachel I realized that I had let go of the goals I only recently set for myself. I let yoga leave my life. I stopped researching the healthy foods. I stopped making clean eating a priority. And I stopped caring if I made friends. It was pathetic.
The best part about reaching lows like that is knowing that there isn’t much further to go down. You can only go up. And going up isn’t that hard. Just one tiny change, and you’re up quite a bit. It’s so easy to let go of your goals and a huge challenge to hold on to them. That’s what makes them so special when you finally achieve them. The good things in life are the ones you work hardest for.
So I’m going to work hard to reclaim my happiness and my goals. 2012 is going to be fresh and healthy. Gina at the Fitnessista recently started sharing ways to make each month amazing. She even cutely alliterates each month (December was Divine). I’ve decided to do something similar. Her ways are always pretty general and she invites her readers to join her. My goals might be more specific, but I know there are plenty out there who will be able to join in. Keep a look out for my first monthly goal post.
Much love and appreciation for your kind reading eyes.